All The Things I Wish Someone Told Me But No One Ever Did

I decided that if Kris Kardashian (the momma, not the will marry Kim for money ex-hubby) can pen a book – no offense K.K. you’re an awesome, though pushy momager – then I can certainly go to task with my pen…err, fingers, to keyboard. The thing of it is whatever would I write about?

My best friend says I should write a book about my life because, apparently, it’s THAT interesting. Ha! Quirky? Yes. Nutty? Often like cooky cross between the “Young and The Restless” and “Twilight Zone.”

Hey, maybe she’s right after all.

But who would buy my memoir? My not-so-salacious story? Is there enough to generate a $250,000 advance (insert wishful thinking here)?  Perhaps there’s a story within the story. Like: All the Things That I Wish Someone Told Me but Noone Ever Did – A Novel and Life How-To by Randi Nicole Majors a.k.a. Sybill a.k.a. Lisa Montgomery (more about this after the break).

See the idea for this how-to started because:

1) there were occasions when I believed that the adults in my life (though I love them) were painting abstractly rather than by number when it came to child rearing. Thus it was often gut intuition, hardheadedness and bumbling error that led me to succeed – or not – in whatever I was trying to accomplish rather than the sage advice of elders.

2)  following a conversation with one of my best girlfriends regarding parenting and pregnancy both concluded that: far too often there were things that we (as in societal beings not she and I) keep from each other that leave people in the dark and nosediving toward failure. This was particularly directed at the "ease" and "beauty" of pregnancy and motherhood.

3) after I lost my house in foreclosure (yep, happened to me) and realized that there were a LOT of things that I didn’t know about homeownership, the housing market, finances and more (see hardheadness in #1)that perhaps someone should develop something that would help the bewildered fool find their way through life.

I mean really, some of this stuff is pretty basic. Like:

• You can be anything you want to be. No, really. Don’t let teachers, parents, bosses or anyone else tell you differently. See, nowadays the world is at our fingertips and if we choose to navigate in a way that exposes us to different things, we’re sure to be successful in finding what we really want to find.
• When you have a kid, you’re life really does change. This section is dedicated to the teen moms. Guess what? Your kid -- you know that living, breathing moving “thing” that you birthed after 9 or 10 months -- yea, they’re not a doll. They’re not something “fun” to play with. Rather, they are another human being for whom you are WHOLLY responsible and that, my dear, can be rather burdensome. That means, clubbing, bed hopping, manic shopping kinda have to go out the window. You come second – baby first. Sorry.
• Don’t lose your inner child. Earlier I alluded to my pseudonym Lisa Montgomery. This was a name that I gave EVERYTHING --fish, stuffed animals, dolls, myself – when I was five or so. To me, that name sounded elegant, classy and closer to Erica Kane than did Randi Majors. The thing is, as evidenced by my adoption of Lisa Montgomery as a pseudonym, I never let go of it. In fact, I embraced it because it reminded me of youthful ambivalence, wishfullness, imagination (hey I was five) and FUN. We press our kids to grow up so quickly. We challenge them to stop acting like a child when they are children and then wonder why we have bitter adults who constantly look to their past for some semblance of happiness.
• Money ain’t cheap.  I’ve always been a competitive and ambitious spirit. So it came as no surprise to most when I “bought” my first place before I was 25 years old. At the rushed encouragement of some ill-advised (and far more financially stable) colleagues, I sought out a real-estate agent (who probably should have had his license revoked) and quickly went a-house hunting in the middle of a frosty Maryland winter. The problem was that a couple of years later, the interest rate jumped, the condo fee nearly tripled and my salary was … the same. Needless to say that I’m still paying for that experience and likely will for a long time into the future.  Yes, the living was easy then but it sure ain’t easy now. . My initial investment will never capitalize, and I will continue to throw away money on something that I’ll never own. The moral of my sob story? Save, save, save and save some more before you spend. Credit may look promising but as we’ve all witnessed in the past four years cash is not just king but the entire royal family and there really is a difference between having money and being wealthy.

This list could go on but instead I’ll ask: what are some of the things that you wish someone told you? No answer too big or stupid. J