Noa**atall

I have an affliction. I’m a girl who likes to move. My favorite movement music includes: “Ms Phat Booty,” “Back That Thang Up,” “Pull Over,” "Drop It Like Its Hot” and any other number of ghetto fabulous hits that call for me to shake my...err.. thang.  The problem? No, it’s not my wannabe hoodness – it’s that my thang is big “A”-less.  Perhaps you’ve heard the term: Noassatall? Yeah, it’s a real ailment and it’s all mine.

Urban Dictionary describes my disease thusly:

1. To have no a$$ at all 2. Person with flat a$$ disease 3. When a woman has no booty at all just pure flat cakes

Being an attractive black woman who lives in the south where they like big butts and they can not lie means that I’m accustomed to the disappointment as a man watches me walk away. I’m inclined to walk backward, but that would only garner more negative attention which flattycakes don’t need; so instead I shrug apologetically and pull my shirt down slightly to cover my derrien’er.

@thesybillife you’re an intelligent classy woman, do you really want to be someone’s sex object?

<insert blank stare here> Um, can I get a heck yeah?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suffering from low self-esteem nor am I in need of constant unwarranted male attention to make me feel good. But I’d be a big ol’ liar if I denied my desire to be … well, desired. What quasi-vain woman do you know that doesn’t want that? (If you raised your hand you’re a liar and must leave my blog immediately.) 

So what’s a straight-backed girl to do? I’ve tried lunges and squats, butt bible and lifts – generally anything to get the bubble to grow. But then I had an epiphany! No, not liquid concrete butt implants or pads, but you, the people. What’s it going to take? An uprising of the none percent? A petition to encourage the acceptance of merely cuppable cakes? The Occupancy of the a$$less? Or perhaps … just perhaps the challenger’s response to Beyonce’s “Bootyliciousness”.