Cliffs Notes, Rappers and Love

When I started this blog my first piece out of the gate was disputing the notion that “I sucktherefore I’m single.” It was pretty popular. While I have not grown in popularity –  i.e. I’m still the mayor of single city – I’ve had the tortured pleasure of being privy to many conversations in the last few weeks that have centered on what else? Relationships and Love.

It started with a blog post by IamNecole blogger Necole Kane who noted that there was often misalignment between how she demonstrated her affections and how her beaus received said affection. She posited that perhaps if her exes had a guidebook offering insight to her love then maybe her relationships would have been more successful.  

I was dumbfounded.  Could it be so simple? Are cliff notes really all that stand between happily ever or never after? Her post forced me to reflect on my own history. Like Necole, I’ve been described as quirky and complicated. I’m also known as the boomerang girl-- she whom former real or imagined love interests circle back to because they consider me “the one that got away.” I'm well aware of my giving (acts of service & affirmation) and receiving (acts of service & quality time) love languages and that in interpersonal relationships of all kinds that language has often been misunderstood. Some of my heart story is best captured by the following:

When you was just a youngin' your looks were so precious   

But now you’re grown up

So fly it's like a blessing but you can't have a man look at you for five seconds without you being insecure 

You never credit yourself, so when you got older  

It seems like you came back ten times over 

Now you're sitting here in this damn corner 

Looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulders 

See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart
Never really had luck, couldn't ever figure out 

How to love How to love 

See you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever 

Now you're in this corner tryna put it together 

How to love How to love

Damn that sizzurp sipping, prophylactic-averse poet Lil Wayne! So profoundly insightful and ratchet at the same time.  How to love? It was time for answers.

Armed with my cell phone and the pride of a pants-less dog, I texted friends and family with a simple inquiry: “If you were to give cliffs notes to a potential beau about how to love me, what would they be?” I awaited the responses, mildly mortified that they might come up empty in the same way that former boyfriends had. In some rather surprising instances I received radio silence. Really mom? Others confirmed my neurotic fears when they replied that they had to “think about that one.” But there were others still who shared tangible tactics in their own love letters to me and my one-day-bae.

“Spontaneous, spontaneous, spontaneous. Be spontaneous! As a matter of fact, you will not come across another female as spontaneous as Randi Majors. I don’t think there is one thing [she] will not try at least once. The absolute #1 feature I love about Randi is that she is adventurous. Come up with a plan, be confident and Randi will have the time of her life. 

Oh, and be patient. As a matter of fact that’s her way of testing you. If she does something and you give up easily it’s pretty much over. She will pretty much lose interest. Be patient and the reward will pay off.”  ~ Male friend of 8 years

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1. Appreciate her smile...and make her smile often.  She shines when she is comfortable in a situation, which allows her naturally humorous side to shine. 

2. Now, although she seems like an extrovert, she is very shy and not always comfortable in new or unfamiliar situations.  Around new people, tell her you won't leave her side at a party unless she says so!  It's not that she's needy, she just needs to evaluate the situation and determine how much of herself she is comfortable with showing. 

3. Court her, romance her, hold her hand...she is still a girlie girl and loves old romance. 

4. She is a woman of God, she believes in a higher power, and is not going to change her convictions, principles, or beliefs just to say she has a boo. 

5. She loves her family, even though they can work her last nerve.  Because she did not have the opportunity to grow up around her sisters, she works very hard to be an awesome big sister and strengthen her relationships with them as they all mature.  You must be able to listen to her when she needs an ear, offer support by just being present, and respect her sisterly ways.  

6. She loves her Momma....get in good and you may have a chance

7. She adored her Nona...one of her fondest memories is being held by her grandmother and laying in her lap.  That sense of security and unconditional love is something she has felt her entire life.  No one can replace Nona, but build on that aspect of love with Randi, showing her she is safe with you, and can comfortably feel safe in your lap, in your arms, in your heart. 

8. She can have moments where her mood does not match who she is.  She can revert into a shell and appear distant.  She often just needs some space to process something she is working through, and she often needs that space alone.  It's not that she is being dismissive to you or your relationship, she just needs to work on her. 

9. She can be unconventional, she likes to do things that are unexpected and outside of the box.  Even if you don't have the same spirit, do not discourage hers.  She is not "cookie cutter" at all... 

10.  She and Mo have a plan to take over the world...get on board or get off the bus...the choice is yours! ~ Female Friend of Six Years

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"The first and most important thing is to know about winning Randi is to be patient and don't be afraid of her complicated quirkiness...aka crazy. At first it will be challenging because it's subconsciously an emotional defense to protect her heart.  The easiest thing to do is say she's too difficult and keep it moving. But dismissing her quirkiness as crazy is a huge mistake because eventually it becomes charming and will always put a smile on your face.

Her quirkiness is infectious and you find yourself wanting to do silly things to make her laugh and smile as much as she will make you. But understand that you are mortal and her talent in this area is out of this world. But the effort is the key to being successful with Randi.

At times, the stress of friends, family and work issues become overbearing in her life and she will disappear into an emotional shell. This is when it is most critical to be consistent with the effort. You don't have to be a Mr. Fixit, she can handle it in due time but just be there and be patient as she goes through the struggles and obstacles of life.

Ultimately, if you're willing to put in the work and take the time of learning the details of how to deal with the many moods of Randi, you'll live a happy and peaceful life. Which is really what every man wants at the end of the day." ~Male Friend of 12 years

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"She is Kind; She is Smart; She is Important...Here's some advice Buddy,I hope you're up for spontaneous adventure. Don't be embarrassed of random outbursts of song and dance in public. You should join in. 

You've got to be active to keep up with her and a tad bit more active to help her stay out of her "hermit hole" often. She goes there sometimes to recharge, reflect or because it's more comfortable. 

Keep encouraging her to not give up on people. 

Give her space to recharge. Respect that she's not shutting you out, but putting things into perspective. 

Be patient with her. She's a delicate flower. Treat her as such but don't hold back your thoughts and feelings. Share them in kind. 

Help her to be kind to herself. And remind her that she cannot bear the weight of people's shortcomings or mistakes. 

Laugh with her and at her humor. She's hilarious! 

You must love dogs! Apollo is her pride and joy. So make nice! 

Be a friend first. That's how you get through the tough times with her. 

She loves big (meaning all in) so she'll need help balancing when to reign it in and at what times to show a little love when it's not time to love big. 

Most of all if you are not ready to lead her as the head of a household someday, then don't say that you are. Be honest if you are unsure of being ready. She'll respect you more for that." ~ Female Friend of nearly two years

So what have we learned ladies and gents? Aside from the fact that the boring and weak need not apply to Randiland there’s the all-important fact that the people who want to love me will. I don't have to walk around handing out strategy sheets and guidebooks about ways to win my heart (although a blog post might do). They’ll put in the requisite work, taking the time not to figure me out, but rather applaud my off-key singing, choreograph my impromptu dancing and hold my hand even after I'm bored. How to love? Just ask Paul, the O.G. love lyricist and then let your heart lead you from there. Because aren't the best things in life worth being weird for?