I Suck Therefore I’m Single?

Do you know the one question that singles HATE? It goes like this: “Ohmigod, you’re so (insert positive attribute here), why are you still single?” 

Now, this question is usually quickly followed by a response from the questioner that fits somewhere in the: “you will be;” “it’s not your season;” “men are scared of you;” “you’re not ready;” “he’s not ready” “aren’t you ready???” category.  But alas, the most poignant answer to this age-old question is detailed in a rather untimely article that appeared in the Huffington Post in February and then miraculously revealed itself three times on my Facebook news feed two days ago. In it Tracy McMillan (not to be confused with Terry Get Your Groove Back) explained that as a thrice-married woman, she was an expert on how to get, if not keep a man. She went on to provide a comical, though brutal depiction of the unmarried modern woman making it clear that it’s YOUR fault that YOU’RE not married. In sum the reason you don’t have a mate is because:

1.       You’re a b***h

2.       You’re a sl*t

3.       You’re shallow

4.       You’re selfish

5.       You’re a liar

6.       You’re not good enough.

While McMillan offers detailed examples for each of her reasons she completes an about face in the article to proclaim that YOU (yes, the same one) are enough just as you are. Huh?

So that’s it? I’m in a state of unwedded bliss because I am a b****h, sourpuss, settler and dysfunctional wreck? I suck, but not really, therefore I’m single and should consider my situation ok.

The irony of this experience for me is that this article appeared on the heels of a rather distressing conversation with an ex-beau who explained that the cure for my lonely could be found in my adoption of a child.  So either he’s a ghostwriter with Jay-Z like talent and Superman /Clark Kent stealth or this author chick is on to something and I’m destined to find love only in borrowed children and cultural conformity a la Angelina Jolie.  In addition to creating significant headswim for me (aka neurosis, angst, sadness etc.), the article conjured plenty of discourse in the Facebook community from men praisin’ it up, to women engaging in the online equivalent of the teeth suck and eye roll. One female poster asked: “then why are all of the b*****s and h**s that we know married?”

Touche.

Here’s the thing, I, like the young lady who so explicitly challenged McMillan’s theory, am tired of the excuses explaining away my current state. I’m tired of being labeled as too pretty or smart to be single; too good and valuable to settle; too exacting, too conceding, too ….anything! At this rate I’ll need Sybillesque personalities to keep up with who everyone else thinks I need to be in order to win the trophy that is a man. Hey, person who’s shacking, engaged, married or otherwise HAPPY … kick rocks. Your words of wisdom and advice don’t help my lonely situation.

You see, while there are elements of truth to the explanations of singledom, there isn’t a one size-fits all rationale. Do I believe that I suck? Not always … ok, not mostly … alright, usually only a few days around the same time each month -- and even then it’s not my fault. But I digress. Yes, I can blame my ovaries, flakey father figures, middle-school bullying or any other number of personal challenges and character flaws for my solo life. I can also debate changing cultural norms that have impacted the roles of men and women in society; philosophize about God’s plan for my life and the need to create a vision for my future; argue the damning statistics about divorce or point out the significant male/female ratio imbalance.  Either way I’ll still have to check:  ____ Ms. ___ Unmarried on my next application.  I’ll still have to explain that the children in the Facebook photo album are my nieces and nephew and move my right hand ring to my left to avoid judgment from convenience store clerks as I flip through bridal magazines.

Ok lady, you’re depressing me. Where’s the uptick in this post?

Patience my friends. ‘Tis here.

The moral of this story was delivered by a wise man – though not of the frankincense and myrrh manger variety – and an Ebony in chief. The former, yet another Facebook poster of the less hostile variety, made a point that where self-reflection is important, individual happiness is even more so. His point? These articles should be taken with a grain of salt – they don’t provide the holy grail of relational advisement.  At the end of the day you have to be happy, seek happy and you’ll be happy. I couldn’t agree more.

Ironically, an editorial by Ebony magazine editor Amy Dubois Barnett that I read earlier in the day proclaimed the same: happiness, peace and joy have to come from within. Ms. Barnett explained that the moment she stopped trying to be what others thought she should be and remained true to herself, she found an inexplicable joy that couldn’t be rivaled. Titled “You’ve Got the Power,” her piece contrasted greatly to the normal chick lit found in girly magazines.  She detailed her personal experience and the aha moment when she stopped chasing jobs, passions and boys that contrasted with her truth. Most poignant? She says “what you put out comes back to you. Your confident energy –and your positive impact—will be returned to you in work, love and happiness…above all know that you can achieve anything in this life.”

In sum -- when you’re focused on being happy rather than being with somebody, you attract an unspeakable joy – and sometimes a man. I’m just sayin’.